Sunday, August 4, 2013

Catching Up... Day 1 Being Alone

Hi Everyone....

It's been a while, and there's so much for me to catch ya'll up on. The long and short of it is... I'm lost.

Since I posted last, my husband went to Afghanistan for 9 months and we separated when he got home last December. Since then, he has found a new girlfriend and they are expecting a baby this coming December. I was dating a guy that started out as a friend of mine a long time ago... but he had just gotten out of a long relationship too and hadn't healed when we started dating, so he decided yesterday that he needs to be single to sort out his feelings and get his life together. And I completely understand... but it still hurts. He made me feel... safe. Protected. Like I wasn't alone. I had someone and I had someone strong... strong enough to take anything that was thrown at him. That was Yesterday.

Today, I'm alone.

My mother brought to my attention that I hate to be alone. Which, I do. Despise it. That was the biggest problem when I was married... The ex Mr. Belle was always gone and it was hard on me. Being lonely is hard on me. Now, I have no choice but to learn how to be alone. To learn how to be me.

I haven't been alone (without a man... husband or boyfriend or something) since I was like 16. That's 11 solid years of boyfriends and a husband. That's almost half my life. I have no clue how to be alone... that's why it terrifies me. I don't feel safe alone. I don't feel secure alone. I don't feel okay alone. All I feel is... panicked.

And heartbroken.

So, I'm taking a trip with my family for a few days down by Atlanta. We're going to pick up my great Aunt. The women in my family are strong and brave and smart and maybe some of that will rub off on me. They've always been able to heal me before, maybe they can help me start the healing process again. Because, Ya'll, I feel broken. Horribly, Horribly broken. My heart, my soul, my spirit. Between my failed marriage and my failed relationship and my trouble with work and school and my truck being broken down (more on all of that later... I'm just getting started)... I just don't know where to even begin to fix this mess that is my life.

I guess I should start by getting up and brushing my teeth. They'll be here in an hour and I need to be ready.


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