Wednesday, July 16, 2014


I can't stand my life the way that it is. I hate it. I really do. This isn't how things were supposed to be. Maybe I should clearly define what I want out of life so that it is easier to see what I am missing.

I want to be loved, romantically. I want to be respected. I want to be needed. Wanted. I want someone to take the time with me that I take with them. I want my efforts to be recognized. Not saying that I should have a parade for doing things that I should be doing anyway, but it is nice to have someone look at you and say 'I appreciate your hard work' or 'I know that you sacrifice for me... and I would do that for you too in a heartbeat'. Not just the occasional 'thanks' or snide comment made about how I'm holding things over your head.

I don't give because I want to hold it against you later. I give because I love. And, much in the way that I love, when I give I give everything. Just like I love with my whole heart, I give everything of myself. I give and I give and I give until there is nothing left of me to give. Nothing left of me at all but I bare, hollow shell. A cusp. And then, when there is nothing left of me to value, that is when people suddenly realize that there's a problem... they notice when I cannot give them anything else or be useful to them.

The thing is... I didn't used to be so giving. There were years when I would not inconvenience myself for other people. It was selfish and I know that but I didn't feel so used and abused then. I guess by that same token, I wasn't as loving then either. That must have been terrible for my (ex) husband. I owe him a million apologies. I have changed. Deep down, in my very being, I have changed. Most would say for the better, but ultimately this change is a curse. A terrible curse.

I am tired of loving. I am tired of giving. I am tired of this drained, half-human existence that I am living because there isn't enough energy left in me to enjoy my life. My biggest fear used to be that I would grow old and not have enough memories of adventures to keep my mind company in my final years. Now my biggest fear is that I will be so busy being a martyr that I wont think to have any adventures for myself. I went from being selfish to selfless in both extremes and I cannot seem to find any balance.

The rest of the world loves selfless Mrs. Belle. She'll work herself to death for you. Give you the shirt off of her back. Feed you, help you, comfort you. She'll never let you down. She'll tirelessly be there for you. But you wont notice when the spark starts to fade from exhaustion. You wont notice how rarely she'll flat iron her hair or lotion her legs (not until it becomes an inconvenience for you, of course). You wont notice how her favorite hobbies will fade in favor of doing the chores that others hate... the dishes, the laundry, the paperwork. You might notice her spending more time in bed asleep or watching tv, but Hell as long as it doesn't disrupt your day/night, it wont get mentioned. It will get pushed back behind your own needs. Or, if/when it gets brought up, it will be in a negative fashion. "You are so lazy. Why are you always in the bed?" "You don't care about yourself... that's why you never fix your hair." "All you want to do is sleep. You are so boring." What you don't see is how much your words don't help. Instead of pointing out my action and immediately attaching it to you and how you perceive it (because people do this... they tie everything to themselves... their opinions... their reality... after all, that's all that matters right? How the world seems to YOU?) maybe you could take a few minutes and ask yourself WHY? Why is she so tired? Why is she so sad?

Why does she get so angry? Maybe it's because she can't carry her own emotional baggage anymore because she is too busy carrying yours and everyone elses. So yes, she might get angry over 'stupid things'. News Flash. Just because it seems stupid to YOU, doesn't mean that it is. Again, how you view things is not the begin all and end all for the way the world works. Your opinion is NOT the bottom line. If I cry over spilled milk and that seems silly to you, that doesn't mean that it is. Obviously, if it upset me that much, then it means something to ME. So, here are your options. You can be a raving douche as usual, or you can change for one second and try to HELP. You don't have to say anything. A hug will work. But telling me that my feelings are stupid doesn't mean that A) they are or B) that I'm going to stop feeling them. My feelings are my feelings and I cannot change them. If I feel sad, there is no button to turn it off. Or if I feel angry. Or happy. Or any other emotion. There is no simple off switch. If there was, don't you think I would use it to make myself happy? So telling me to 'get over it' or 'I need to figure something out' or 'I'm a weak crybaby'... that doesn't help. Just like it doesn't help if I were to do it to you. How can you not see that? How can you not think to yourself  'well, that probably will not be helpful because it probably wouldn't help me... it's just going to make her situation worse.' But no. Of course not.

Back to my list: I want to be allowed to feel my feelings and not have them belittled. I don't want to be told how stupid I am for not feeling the identical way to someone else. I am me. I can't change who I am or how I feel. So stop trying to make me more like you. Instead, help me adjust to being me because I swear that I've changed so much in the last two years that I don't recognize myself let alone know how to be me.

While we're talking about being me, let's just go ahead and wrap our minds around how being me is not a picnic, regardless of how amazing I sometimes lead people to believe that it is. I work two jobs. I stress about how to make ends meet and how to take care of those around me because I really think that if I don't, if I drop the ball at all, then I will be left. Alone. And as I've said in previous posts, I hate being alone. I've come to terms with it. It may never change. I don't mean alone as in for a few hours, I mean an emotional island of solitude where there is no one to reach out to me, where no one wants to reach out to me where I have to shoulder the emotional burden of life all by myself. The alone where you have a heart full of love but no one to share it with... or someone to share it with but who doesn't reciprocate.

See, here's the rub. If you are giving of yourself and giving of your love and there isn't anyone pumping love and positivity back into you, then you will drain your soul and-- eventually-- turn into me. Whether the people around me love me or not, if they are not showing it in a way that makes me feel secure and appreciated and LOVED in my life, then I will wither. I always have. Telling me that you love me but treating me like you don't will not save me. Sporadically doing things to keep me hanging on will only keep me for so long. I need consistency. I need to know that I am consistently loved. Not loved when I'm doing things for you. Not loved when you finally see that my weak, broken soul is giving up. Love me all of the time. Love me even when you are angry. And show me.

Do this, and you might save me after all.