Sunday, July 31, 2011

Instruction and Advice for the Young Bride on the Conduct and Procedure of the Intimate and Personal Relationships of the Marriage State

The following is a reprint from The Madison Institute Newsletter,
Fall Issue, 1894:

                           INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE
                                 FOR THE
                               YOUNG BRIDE
                                  on the
                       Conduct and Procedure of the
                   Intimate and Personal Relationships
                           of the Marriage State
                                  for the
                    Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this
                  Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God
                              Ruth Smythers
                             beloved wife of
                        The Reverend L.D. Smythers
                     Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist
                 Church of the Eastern Regional Conference
                           Published in the year
                              of our Lord 1894
                          Spiritual Guidance Press
                               New York City


To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper
upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and
most terrifying day of her life.  On the positive side, there is the
wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a
beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing
a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life.  On the
negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride
must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the
terrible experience of sex.

At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth.Some
young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with
curiosity and pleasure!  Beware such an attitude!  A selfish and
sensual husband can  easily take advantage of such a bride.  One
cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten:  GIVE LITTLE,
have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.

On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex
it at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be
endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is
compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced
through it.  It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the
groom to forego the sexual initiation.  While the ideal husband would
be one who  would approach his bride only at her request and only for
the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness
cannot be expected from the average man.

Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day.  The wise
bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly
during the  first months of marriage.  As time goes by she should
make every effort to reduce this frequency.

Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best
friends in this matter.  Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering
also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour
before the husband  would normally commence his seduction.

Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of
denying  and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband.  A
good wife should  expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a
week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by
the end of the fifth year of marriage.

By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child
bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual
contacts with the husband.  By this time she can depend upon his love for
the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home.  Just
as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as
possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and
degree of sexual contacts.  Most men are by nature rather perverted, and
if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most
revolting practices.  These practices include among others performing the
normal act in abnormal positions;  mouthing the female body; and offering
their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.

Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing
photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the
obnoxious habits the male  is likely to acquire if permitted.

A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see
her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body
to her.  Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in
total  darkness.  Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton
nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their husbands.  These
should be donned in separate rooms.  They need not be removed durning
the sex act.  Thus, a minimum of flesh is  exposed.

Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she
should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom.  When he comes
groping into  the room she should make no sound to guide him in her
direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement.  She should
let him grope in the dark.  There is always the hope that he will
stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse
to deny him sexual access.

When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily
motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the
optimistic husband.

If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head
slightly  so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead.  If
he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist.  If he lifts her
gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull
the gown back in place, spring  from the bed, and announce that
nature calls her to the toilet.  This will generally dampen his
desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.

If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise
wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask
him.  Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no
matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.

Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having
sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment.
The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the
waist, and only  permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus
make connection.

She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while his
huffing and puffing away.  Above all, she will lie perfectly still and
never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in
progress.  As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise
wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him
to perform on the morrow.  Many men obtain a major portion of their
sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after
the act is over.  Thus the wife must insure  that there is no peace
in this period for him to enjoy.  Otherwise, he might be encouraged
to soon try for more.

One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact
that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have
been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep
sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to
the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half
cowed and subdued.  The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and
relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate
completely her husband's desire for sexual expression.

copyright 1894 The Madison Institute
First off, let me say that Snopes believes this to NOT have been written at 
the time stated in the article, but did not disprove that people REALLY feel 
this way. It is marked as undetermined. 
Snopes Article 
Now that we have that established... let me say what I have been thinking ever
since I finished reading said 'article' and picked my jaw up off of the ground...
Luckily, I needed a good laugh and I found this article so sad that it is amusing. 
The sad part is that there are people that truly feel this way about sex. Their 
reasons for feeling this way are as varied as the sex positions in the Kama Sutra.
Do not get me wrong, I understand those reasons... but the fact of the matter is that
even with the great strides that have been made in sexual education and advancement,
it is still partially taboo (and I wouldn't have it an other way.. it just makes it
There are parts in my blog where I will throw out some key points to the ladies of 
the world and this is one of them:
LADIES, YOU ARE SEXY! Do not run from or hide your sexuality, use and revel in it. 
With it comes power that the opposite sex can not wield. Men run a fair portion of
this world (and because I am not much of a feminist, I don't care) and though they
hold 'power' over many things, sexuality is not one of them. The ability to drop a
man, regardless of age, down to his knees is an art and one that should be practiced
by every lady around the world. This power is not reserved for crackwhores and 
prostitutes... Southern belles such as myself not only have the power, but use it 
daily. Sex is not something to be hidden in the dark (though taking away one sense
DOES make the others heightened... it is something I recommend trying), it is
something to explore and delight in the places that it takes you. 

Not only is it pleasurable, but it is a bonding experience between a husband and a
wife that should not be bypassed. Sometimes, when things get tough, all you have 
are each other and the way you can make each other feel.

Now, all of you, go into the room with your man, light a candle (more flattering than
any other light for ladies of all shapes and sizes) and remind him exactly why he 
desires you. Go unleash your inner vixen and bask in how glorious you feel after 
he's left speechless.
Go forth, and be Goddesses! 
Sweat Tea and Cookies Ya'll!
~Mrs. Belle 


Killer Whales

Let me start out by saying that when 'Free Willy' hit during the 90's, I was a hard core fan. At the end of the movie, there was an advertisement stating that if you pay a certain amount, you can 'adopt' an orca whale. I want you, the masses, to know that I wanted to 'adopt' an orca whale more than anything else in the world for years! Because? Because I truly thought that they would bring me an orca whale on a flat bed truck to live in a swimming pool in my back yard. I thought, and I was a fairly bright child, that 'adopting' and orca whale would be much like adopting a dog... you pay the fee, you take it home and you love it forever. Unfortunately, my Mother explained to me that wasn't the case. You send your money to an unknown outfit that in return sends you a calender and a stuffed whale and your money goes to do Lord knows what.


Now, I'm 23. Don't get me wrong, I would still like to own a whale, much like one would like to own a tiger... because it's bad ass!

That being said, recently in the news and in the past few years, people have been SHOCKED to be attacked and/or killed by orca's also known as killer whales. This, my friends, makes me laugh out loud.

People of the world, they are KILLER WHALES! Not Kutesy whales, not Kuddly whales, not Kissy whales... they are KILLER WHALES! So, please do explain to me why you are shocked to be mauled by a whale with the name 'killer' attached? If someone man (or woman) came up to you and said 'Hi, I'm Tom Killer, come ride me under water and put your hand in my mouth'... would you do it? Obviously it's a slightly creepy comparison, but the idea is still the same. I mean really... there is no false advertisement... the name 'Killer' is right up there in big, bold letters. Let's face it, at this point people go to the whale exhibit at Sea World just to see if Shamu number 7 is going to swallow Suzie the trainer whole or piece by piece. If you are a 'killer whale trainer' then I feel like you are probably know what you signed on for... how could you not? Therefore, though tragic, I'm thinking that the death of a Killer whale trainer by a Killer whale is not surprising.

Now we have people saying "We need to euthanize the whale. When a dog or a bear bites or kills someone, we euthanize it...". Okay... well... you're idiots. Though certain dogs (and bears) have a reputation for maiming people on the regular, they are still not known as 'killer' -insert breed here- officially. That should tell you something. If dogs (bears) kill things X amount of times per year and are not officially known as 'killer' -insert breed here- then imagine how much killing orcas had to do to get that name. A-freaking-lot. Tangent: Go to the discovery channel (or Youtube) and watch some videos of Orcas doing their killing things... they are INSANE KILLING MACHINES.

I watched a video of a killer whale taking on a great white shark. Yes, a true clash of the titans. Guess who won? The whale. It bit the shark, batted it around like a cat with a ball of yarn, then held it still and drowned it... then the whale and it's other orca buddy ate the sharks liver and left the rest of it for the astonished onlookers to gap at. Then, it swam away rather smugly. As it should... it just beasted the biggest bad ass threat under the sea. People quake that the thought of being attacked by a great white shark while swimming... but they want to ride on and pet the one mammal in the sea that can make the Great White look like it's bitch?

Knowing all of that, I would still like to 'adopt' an orca and have one as a pet... Logical? Not at all. At the expense of sounding hypocritical, I would like to say that my rant is NOT that people have Orcas or attempt to train them... my contempt is for those SHOCKED that the Orca's live up to their names. I would still love to have an Orca... I just wouldn't be shocked if it decided to snack on me.

I mean, it's kind of an awesome way to die right? Some die in car crashes, some die of drug overdoses... isn't being orca chow slightly more titillating?

I think so. :)

Sweet Tea and Cookies Ya'll!
~Mrs. Belle

Saturday, July 30, 2011

The Good Wife's Guide

I stumbled upon this while watching NCIS (in which a creeper trapped women underground in a bunker, dressed as a bride, with this book to learn how to meet his fantasy needs) and got a good laugh out of it... then I thought about it and realized that though this is supposedly published May 13, 1955 in a Home Economics Textbook, a fair portion if it... though modernized... is still done today. Even by me, a self proclaimed undomesticated hellcat.

  • Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
  • Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
  • Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
  • Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.
  • During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
  • Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.
  • Be happy to see him.
  • Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
  • Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
  • Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
  • Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
  • Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
  • Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
  • Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
  • A good wife always knows her place. 

Original Link

Snopes also did an article on the above set of rules and determined that there is no proof that it is fact... nor is there proof that it did not happen. See that article here:

Snopes: Good Wife... Fact or Fiction?

Now, I read and reread these 'suggestions' and at first glance, thanked God that I am not a wife in the 50's and reveled at how far we have come. Then, I faltered.

I do make it a point to think during the day about what would make a good dinner, and at what time would suit both of us to eat. I do usually take a minute to make sure that I don't have anything stuck in my teeth, and fix my pony tail. I do go through and clear away clutter, specifically from around his recliner, so that A) the house SHOWS that I have been cleaning (all women know that it is possible to clean your butt off for hours on end and to the male eye, it appears nothing has changed) and B) so that he can have room to put more clutter, spread out, relax etc and C) so that my house does not become a mess... clutter tends to bother me as well. It makes me feel smothered. I like open spaces on counters, floor space, wall space etc. It gives one the illusion of not being boxed in. But I digress. I always greet him with a smile and am happy to see him when he arrives home.. not just from work, but from anywhere. I do encourage him to relax and I do not expect him to 'entertain' me. I ALWAYS attempt to understand his point of views and listen to him about his day etc.

Let's see... that's what, 8 out of the 10 things listed above? Now, do not misunderstand me, I am not opposed to doing my part to make my husband a happy man for as long as he also makes efforts to remain my husband, be a good husband, and make me happy. But it does strike me... have the modern housewives come as far as we thought? More importantly, are we unhappy with this revelation?

I can openly admit that there is a certain amount of satisfaction I get from making my husband happy... to an extent, I can even say that I am happy if I am making him happy (to an extent naturally... there are always exceptions). And even to me, a high strung filly, I find my self objecting less and less to this ideal. My goal since birth has been to be happy... if I am happy, does it matter that I am subjecting myself to a more modernized version of woman slavery? Ehhh... it seems more silly to object to happiness regardless of how small based solely on principle.

It gives one cause to wonder doesn't it? Ahhh, much like Sherlock Holmes, I love a good theory to test and a puzzle to ponder. Now I suppose I'll need a pipe... boy, wouldn't that send the 50's tabloids abuzz? The idea that my actions could not only make people of this time cringe, whisper, or roll their eyes but that I could in fact reach across decades with my tom-foolery is no less than fantastic! And that, my friends, makes me happy... you know, like a good wife.