Monday, May 23, 2011



Well, I don't even truly feel like posting tonight... but since writing is an 'outlet' for all my angst, I figured  I had better continue on with it.

I have identified another pet peeve of mine... I have several, but this one pertains to today. I hate arguments or discussions with no clear resolution at the end. When I approach a topic with another adult, I expect for the problem to be solved by the end of the discussion... either by them coming my way, me coming their way or a little of both (which is usually ideal). If their is not a clear solution, then I feel like it was borderline wasted time: wasted time, wasted energy, wasted emotion, wasted thought process, wasted words...

Ugh... I suppose it could be considered clearing the air or venting, but that usually isn't my intention. If I am venting, I clearly say so... otherwise, I feel compelled to fix the problem at hand. I'm not sure why I feel compelled to fix it... but it is my natural instinct whenever someone brings me a problem. I want to help them fix it. Especially if it is MY problem, then I just want to fix it more.

At this point, I am just exhausted. I think I'm going to go to bed. More tomorrow... perhaps something more cheerful. Then again, life isn't always cheerful, so why should my blog be? It is better to be REAL isn't it?

Sweet Tea and Cakes,

Sunday, May 22, 2011


Hello Folks,

I thought today that I would talk about titles and how many I carry. I listed them off to my self this morning as I flat ironed my hair and it occurred to me that each title has it's own 'weight' that I carry around with me every where I go.

Everyone has titles, but I think that most of us, me included, realize how many. Here are a few of mine:

Wife, Daughter, Sister, Grand daughter, Niece, Cousin, Friend, Confidante, Adviser, Babysitter, Rescuer, Daughter-in-law, Sister-in-law, Aunt, Neighbor, Step Daughter, Step Sister, Lover, Supporter, Fighter, Writer, Student, Owner, Driver, Cook, Gardener... and many, many more.

It occurs to me that the majority of my time is spent fulfilling these roles. It's... tiresome. Unfortunately, it seems to be the price you pay for having family, friends, acquaintances, etc.

My first thought when I read over these is that none of these are for me... all of these titles are my relation to others... how I fit into their lives and what impact I have. I feel... odd about that. It's like I'm living my life entirely for the people around me. Where is my title for ME? Granted, some of these relationships have perks for me... such as the unconditional love of my family and the friendship of my friends, but if I spent all of my time fulfilling these roles, where is my time for me?

I want my list to change... perhaps to reflect ME a little more as opposed to my obligations or relationships with other people. I would love for it to include the word: GODDESS. Yes... I think that I like the sound of that.

Now... where to begin. Suggestions?

Friday, May 20, 2011

The Chains of Insecurity

I have decided that it is time to reform my life to make it more of what I want it to be. Changing anything consists of several steps, and step one is recognizing what it is as it is right now... what I am right now and who I am right now.

Right now, I am a desperate housewife. Truly. In a later blog, I will explain the facets of being a true desperate housewife as opposed to the ones you might see on tv. Right now, it is too far off subject to be anything other than a tangent in a blog about me.

Right now, I am insecure... which is odd, or rather not odd. I started my life being the center of the universe for my family, which made me secure in myself. Then, as most do, I went through a phase of insecurity during elementary/middle school. In high school, I hid behind my ill tempered shield to be sure that no one know about my insecurities... after all, people tend to pick on the weak far more than they protect them. This is another facet of myself that I will explore more in a future blog.  Once I started college, changed boyfriends etc, I found myself stretching my wings and becoming... well.. unstoppable.

It was a brief time for me... a few precious months of freedom. Freedom from serious boyfriends who tried to hold me back, tie me down or tame me. Freedom from family who mean well, but sheltered me. Freedom.. just as it is. I was young and beautiful. Sassy and Smart. Elegant and Awesome. Fun loving and on top of the world. My schooling was well under control. My friends were close and my enemies (as one is bound to have) are closer, or far enough away not to be able to touch me. I lifted myself out of a prison of insecurity and put myself up on a pedistool of Rockstardom.

Then, slowly and without my knowledge, the forces that be have stuffed me back into that prison of insecurity and they are dangling the key in front of my face. Though it happened around the time that I met my husband, it didn't have anything to do with him. Or perhaps it did. I have an awful problem of losing myself into the people around me when I become insecure. I lose myself into what they think I should be or who I am. I lose my voice... my confidence. So, it is entirely possible that it does have something to do with Tyler, it has more to do with me. It was not his doing, it was my doing. It is often safer to hide behind someone you love and count on them to make you happy. It is also an impossible task to ask of someone you love. No one can make you happy without your consent.

Isn't that what we all look for? Happiness?

I have found that when it comes to being happy, one must do it for oneself.

So, it is beyond time for me to be happy. Past time.