Friday, May 20, 2011

The Chains of Insecurity

I have decided that it is time to reform my life to make it more of what I want it to be. Changing anything consists of several steps, and step one is recognizing what it is as it is right now... what I am right now and who I am right now.

Right now, I am a desperate housewife. Truly. In a later blog, I will explain the facets of being a true desperate housewife as opposed to the ones you might see on tv. Right now, it is too far off subject to be anything other than a tangent in a blog about me.

Right now, I am insecure... which is odd, or rather not odd. I started my life being the center of the universe for my family, which made me secure in myself. Then, as most do, I went through a phase of insecurity during elementary/middle school. In high school, I hid behind my ill tempered shield to be sure that no one know about my insecurities... after all, people tend to pick on the weak far more than they protect them. This is another facet of myself that I will explore more in a future blog.  Once I started college, changed boyfriends etc, I found myself stretching my wings and becoming... well.. unstoppable.

It was a brief time for me... a few precious months of freedom. Freedom from serious boyfriends who tried to hold me back, tie me down or tame me. Freedom from family who mean well, but sheltered me. Freedom.. just as it is. I was young and beautiful. Sassy and Smart. Elegant and Awesome. Fun loving and on top of the world. My schooling was well under control. My friends were close and my enemies (as one is bound to have) are closer, or far enough away not to be able to touch me. I lifted myself out of a prison of insecurity and put myself up on a pedistool of Rockstardom.

Then, slowly and without my knowledge, the forces that be have stuffed me back into that prison of insecurity and they are dangling the key in front of my face. Though it happened around the time that I met my husband, it didn't have anything to do with him. Or perhaps it did. I have an awful problem of losing myself into the people around me when I become insecure. I lose myself into what they think I should be or who I am. I lose my voice... my confidence. So, it is entirely possible that it does have something to do with Tyler, it has more to do with me. It was not his doing, it was my doing. It is often safer to hide behind someone you love and count on them to make you happy. It is also an impossible task to ask of someone you love. No one can make you happy without your consent.

Isn't that what we all look for? Happiness?

I have found that when it comes to being happy, one must do it for oneself.

So, it is beyond time for me to be happy. Past time.

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