Friday, August 9, 2013

Hmmm... Day 6

The Hulk came and surprised me at Mom's on Night 3... and I spent the night when him afterwards (Don't judge me). As well as night 4. Last night however, I stayed home. My sister will be coming up this weekend, so I'm planning to stay with him so she can have 'our' room all to herself. He did ask me to move back in, but he hasn't officially declared us back together yet and it's only been 6 days. I would be fine with us being together again (I'd actually be pretty excited about it), but I don't want to move my stuff back in and stay there 24/7 yet because it's only been 6 days and I'm afraid that isn't enough time for him to work through his issues that made him want out of our relationship in the first place.

Us having some alone time does seem to be good for us... we're reconnecting with friends and we have a lot of fun when we do see each other because we aren't shoved up each others' tails.

But, secretly, I'm hoping he declares us back together again and we find a good solution to spending too much time together and still feeding my addiction to see him as much as possible.

I struggle between wanting to be with him all the time and not wanting to smother him... or have him smother me. Part of me wants things to go back to the way they were, but there's another part of me that worries that would be a bad idea because I don't want to have to go through this heart ache if he starts to feel the same way again.

I have missed spending time at Mom's and I've missed having my own space (even though this isn't my own space because I still share this room with my sister). But I can't sleep as good when I'm not in the bed with him. Even last night, I didn't sleep the whole night through. I woke up several times, tossing and turning. I don't know why he's such a comfort to me, but he is. Not all the time, granted. But sleeping next to him makes me feel so safe.

I guess we'll see how it goes. One day at a time.

P.S.~ I went and got my nails done yesterday at the place I used to go to all the time in High School and got to catch up with the man who used to do my nails. He lectured me on stressing too much and told me his secret to letting go of worry and stress. Every morning, before he leaves the bed, he thinks of a song. Each day the song is different from the day before. During the day, he lets that song run through his head to occupy his mind instead of worrying about things he cannot change.

I told him that he's brilliant. I'm still trying to decide what my song of today will be.


Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Home Finally... Day 3

Well Guys, I'm finally back home... I'm not particularly glad to be here though. This place holds so much memories for me and it kind of reinforces my singleness. Ick.

It was great seeing the women in my family though... they are so strong and uplifting and I seriously hope to be very much like them some day. My Auntie has the awesome ability to heal my very soul... which, right now, needs healing very much.

The Hulk just now texted me for the first time in 9 hours. I told him that I'm home... I'm still waiting to see if he wants to see me. If he doesn't, I guess it's a night in curled up watching 'Princess and the Frog' with Bella.

I know this was a short post Ya'll, but the 11 hours that I spent in the car today coupled with the fact that I can't sleep has zapped the 'writing mood' right out of me. But I said I would. I said I would write until I feel better. Maybe by Day 30 that'll actually happen... For now, no end in sight.

I hope you all had wonderful days though! Heaven help us, we can't all have days like these at the same time.


Monday, August 5, 2013

My Official Bucket List... Day 2.5

So, I've decided to compile a bucket list in no particular order. For those that are unfamiliar with bucket lists, it is basically a list of things that you want to do before you die. A life to-do list full of awesomeness and adventure... or not, depending on the type of person you are. I'm going to compile a bucket list to figure out what kind of person I am.

Run a Marathon
Go for a ride in a hot air balloon
Visit the Eiffel Tower
Become a published Author
Visit every state in the US
Learn to do a Back Handspring
Regain my ability to do the splits... and keep it
Take a Bartending Class
Become a certified Wedding Planner
Learn to Pole Dance
Go on a Cruise
Ride in a Rodeo (Again, as an adult)
Race a Nascar
Go White Water Rafting (Again)
Go Zorbing
Ride in a Helicopter
Get Hypnotized
Ride a Segwey
Ride a Camel
Have a Song written about me
Become a Cartoon Character
Go to Mardi Gras
Ride the Gondola through the Grand Canal in Venice, Italy
Get a Tattoo
Get my Belly Button Pierced
See the Northern Lights
Swim with Dolphins
Go Zip Lining
Ride an Elephant
See the Pyramids
Successfully send a message in a bottle
Buy a house
Get my degree
Maintain a successful career
Go Skinny Dipping
Take a trip to Las Vegas
Get my Concealed and Carry permit... and a gun. ;)
Visit the Harry Potter Castle
Visit Stonehenge
Go Whale Watching
See Easter Island
Kiss in the rain
Be part of a flash mob
Save a Life
Swim with Sharks
Milk a Cow
Take a photo a day for a year
Go to Carnival in Rio De Janerio
Go to a real Masquerade Ball
Be an extra in a movie
Drive down Route 66
Meet someone famous
Have a star named after me
Stomp on Grapes in a vineyard to make wine
Go see Mt. Rushmore
Go to Greece
Go Dog Sledding
Be in two places at once
See an Opera
Learn to Juggle
Have my Palm read
Go to Burning Man
Experience Weightlessness
Read 1000 books
Kiss under the mistletoe
Crowd Surf
Eat at an underwater restuarant
Drive a badass car (Ferrari, Lamborghini, Viper etc)
See the Hollywood Sign
Stay at an Ice Hotel
Go to Oktoberfest in Germany
Pet a Tiger
See a Solar Eclipse
Join the Mile High Club
Witness a Miracle
Have my portrait painted
Fall in Love

I'm sure I'll think of more, but that's a start. :)


Anxiety is out of Control... Day 2.25

Hey Ya'll!

Not even a few hours since my last post and my emotions are rampant. For a little while, I felt like I had this under control...

And now, suddenly, this random wave of anxiety just hit me. I feel insecure, unsure, and vulnerable. When I had The Hulk, this would be one of those times that I would stand closer to him because being near him made it easier... I could draw on his strength and be fine. It would help me feel like I can breathe.

Now I feel panicky and flighty and I sincerely hope that this feeling passes as soon as possible because it makes me feel desperate and needy.

No one likes 'desperate' and 'needy'... or 'panicky' and 'flighty'.

Let's hope this blows over soon.


My Old Profile... This is who I was.

"I am your average Southern belle in love with a man in uniform and so much more.
I am 23 and married to a Marine who joined the North Carolina National Guard after he EAS'd... active duty, not weekend warrior. He is my Hero and the love of my life and I am his own personal terrorist.

I'm an ECU student where I am going for my Communications degree with a business minor and then on to my masters in business management. Currently, I am also dual enrolled at Johnston Community college in an attempt to get my degree here faster. I am also a proud member of a Christian social sorority at ECU called Phi Beta Chi. 

 I am known as a deeply patriotic humanitarian. I support my country, God and our troops (especially mine). I am an aspiring wedding planner and find so much happiness in helping brides make the most of their big day. I am also a former model, equestrian, cowgirl, cheerleader, Latin ballroom dancer, coin collector and I have an addiction to coffee with liquid creamer. I am a fan of all things romantic. I love to bake and I make attempts at gardening, but my poor flowers will attest that I am not very good at it.

I devote a lot of my time to my animals and South Heartland Rescue, the rescue that I founded for Arctic breed dogs: Alaskan Malamutes, Siberian Huskies, American Eskimos, Samoyeds, and Alaskan Klee Kais. I personally have two horses, Satin and her daughter Tannon as well as my two American Eskimos, my incorrigible Bella (3) and my proper lady, Alaska (9),  a wonderful Siberian Husky, Midas (5) who is a complete Mama's boy, and my brave Points (7) a husky mix who keeps my Grandmother company but even though he doesn't live with me at the moment, he isn't far from my heart. Giving a loving home to Midas, Bella, Alaska and Points was the start of South Heartland Rescue, after my husband encouraged me to find more Nordics in need of forever homes just like our fur children once needed. 

My husband and I are child free by choice because to be honest, and I almost always am, I don't really like children. And no, we do not feel like we are missing out on anything. Our lives are content the way that they are and are getting better all the time. We are both also Christians (United Methodist), and do not care whether or not other people are. I do not judge other people as I do not feel that it is my place. Placing judgement on other people (be it for their lifestyles, religion, appearances etc) is what separates ladies from street trash. A real lady never judges a book by it's cover. Sadly, that is one of the places where me being a 'real lady' ends. 

Real ladies are obedient and polite: I am ill tempered, snide, vain, selfish and have absolutely no intention of being obedient. I am also completely and 100% Awesome. I tend to make an adventure out of everything and spend a lot of time laughing and making other people laugh. I curse like a sailor. Pink of my favorite color and I love anything that sparkles or has glitter... I'm a Barbie like that. However, I don't mind getting muddy and girls that do tend to annoy me. I ride four wheelers, get muddy and drive a large and impressive Nissan Titan.

I'm sweeter than a pitcher of tea to those I love but I can burn like good whiskey if you get me fired up! Devout Football fan, I love the New Orleans Saints (Who Dat?) and the Green Bay Packers. On game day, I can always be found cheering on Clay Matthews III, who is quite easy on this girl's eyes. I also support my college teams, The LSU fighting Tigers and the ECU fighting Pirates. I bleed purple and gold like most other ECU students. Arghh!

I love meeting new people and I appreciate all of my followers.
This blog contains the chronicles of my life: memories, dreams, explanations, tributes, goals, etc. From my heart to my blog, both in the middle of nowhere, and both  are surrounded by love, regardless of location.

Sweet tea and cookies y'all, 

Mrs. Belle"


Ughh. Day 2

Alright. Good Morning Day 2.

I still didn't sleep worth a flip.

I'm not even sure what to write about today. I know that I need to write because there is so much going on in my head that I can't seem to sort it all out... but I don't know what to write about. I don't know how much time I'll have to devote to this particular post because I'm waiting on my Grandmother to get back from my Louisiana relatives' room and let us know what's going on today. So I hate to delve into a deep topic only to have it interrupted half way through.

Maybe I need to sort out why I'm so addicted to... no names... so we'll call him 'The Hulk'. Why does he have such a hold on me.

For starters, and this is a biggy, the sex is amazing. Literally. Granted, the list of people I've been with is limited to... well... two, but still. We connect so well when we are intimate. I'll spare Ya'll the details but... It's literally amazing.

Secondly, he makes me feel safe. He has very high protective instinct and I know that I'm safe when I'm with him. No one can hurt me and I've always got back up. I know that anyone or anything dangerous that's after me, has to come through 6 foot of muscle and determination and I know that he'd do anything to make sure nothing happened to me. I feel so safe with him. That's a big deal for me. A very big deal.

Thirdly, I'm very attracted to him. Like takes my breath away attracted. I'm talking butterflies in the stomach, stare at him and drool a little attracted. That's new.

Fourth, We have a lot of passion- whether we are fighting (my least favorite part) or making love (my favorite part), we do it with passion. We burn hot. Like fire and gasoline.

Fifth, he's challenging. Sometimes I wish he was a little less challenging, but whatever.

Sixth, he doesn't leave me alone. A few hours here and there, yeah sure but I don't have to worry about him leaving me for almost a year at a time to deal with everything alone. He's here. With me. A solid presence in my life and I don't have to keep watching him walk away never knowing if he'd make it back to me in one piece or not. Every time the ex Mr. Bell left, it broke my heart. Over and Over and Over. Don't get me wrong, I was proud of him and what he did... but I worried and it hurt me every single time. The feeling of being married but alone, sucks. To be married but lonely, is awful. The Hulk is here and for a little while, I wasn't lonely. I can't tell you what a comfort that is.. and how much better having him with me has made in my life. How much better his strength and comfort makes me feel.

To be fair (and I'm all about that) Let's look at a few of the not so great tickets.

Well... let's start with the fact that he is emotionally unavailable, since that's why I find myself sitting here single to begin with. He and his ex were together for as long as me and the ex Mr. Belle were and he isn't healed from the break up and he isn't healed from all of the hell that was in that relationship. I tried to help him get better, but I guess being with me ended up making it worse. He can't love me like I need him to while he's still hung up on his past. That, ladies and gents, is our biggest problem.

Our second biggest problem is his temper. He has a bad temper and when he gets fired up, it's a struggle for him to control it. Usually, he handles his temper by saying God Awful things that he doesn't mean... but that hurt me none the less. It's gotten better since we've been together... and he's told me before that he feels less angry now than he used to. I'm hoping that it will continue to get better... whether we get better or not, I'm hoping HE will continue to get better.

Third, he's younger than me so we're at two different spots in life... kind of. We're almost at the same place, but not quite. Example, he's at the point in his life when he will get up and go to work and work his tail off even when he would rather go do something fun or stay home and sleep, but he's not happy about it and it bothers him that he can't go out and do whatever he wants to do to validate his 'party side'. But he's getting there... he's changed so much since we got together and he's gotten so much better that it's amazing.

Fourth, we have a lot of external factors working against us. Lack of funding, broken vehicles, family drama, friend drama, and his past lurking around in the shadows don't help. When we can be together and just be us without the whole world pressing in, it's great.

Fifth, he's not particularly romantic. I wish he was, but for the most part he maxed out his romantic side on his previous relationship and I guess he doesn't see the point anymore. Meanwhile, I need it.

But ya'll... even with all the negative stuff, the positives out weigh it. Yes we fight. Yes his past is always chasing him around and sometimes wedges itself in between us. And I know he isn't always romantic when I desperately need him to be... but when he is, it's amazing. When he holds my hand, I can barely breathe with the butterflies. When I'm crying and he actually comforts me and holds me and tells me it will be okay, it sets my whole world right. When he strokes my face or gives me a sweet kiss or when I catch him looking at me like he can't see anyone else or when I touch his face and he snuggles against my hand... I melt. My heart stops. And it makes everything else seem unimportant.

And I love being there for him. I love how we offset each other... when I'm weak, he's strong. When he needs support, I'm there and I'm all over it. I wake him up foar work. I scratch his back. When his world goes crazy, I'm right there to help center it. I try so hard to be everything he needs when he needs it because sometimes he's everything that I need.

I can't explain it, but I'm tied to him. There's something there that I don't understand and it binds me to him... even though I shouldn't be. He doesn't want me... can't love me the way he should. The fact that a memory came in between us should be enough to infuriate me. I should have no problem walking away.

That's the crazy part... I can't. I can't just walk away. It's pitiful and ridiculous. I've never been weak and yet, here I am. Weak. Pitiful. I can't even remember who I am because I'm so wrapped up in a man and I can't get him out of my mind. For the past months, I've relied on his strength and now I don't have any of my own.

It's like an addiction. Like being on a drug. I know exactly how an addict feels, except when an addict wants to partake in their addiction, the addiction never turns them down. I'm not quite that lucky.

I don't know where we'll be when I get back from Georgia in a few days. Part of me so badly wants to see him... but I don't know if he'll want to see me. I want to fall right back into his arms (and into his bed, don't judge me) but I don't know how he feels and I don't want to wreak any more hell on our hearts if it wont help us. I don't want to run to him if it's going to set him back on this healing process that he's trying to accomplish by being single and I don't want to get my hopes up and open up to him again if I'm going to get turned away or hurt again...

But ya'll, I want him. Still. I miss him... so much. I hope he misses me... but that's not really his style. Sheesh, I sound like a lovesick teenager and it makes me want to roll my eyes at myself. I just don't know what in the hell to do... or think... or feel.

That's the worst part of being lost... is the not knowing.

**Edited to add: Sorry for the conflicting tenses... In my mind/heart, we still aren't a 'past tense' thing, even though facebook says otherwise. I also want to apologize for the scatteredness of my post... it's hard to get my thoughts in a line right now.


Sunday, August 4, 2013

Oh for Heaven's Sake... Day 1.5

I can't sleep. Isn't that the most pitiful thing ya'll have ever heard? I can't sleep without him. I don't know where he is or what he's doing or how he feels and even though I know that it logically shouldn't matter, it does. Plus, it doesn't feel right without him next to me. Crazy, right?

So, I guess I should use this time to do something productive on my path to bettering myself.

How about a list?

A list of... things I want to do.

Publish a book
Have a star named after me
Go on a cruise
Go to New Orleans and Party it up
See Mt. Rushmore
Pet a dolphin
Do something heroic
Live a love story
Learn how to belly dance
Get a tattoo
Pierce my belly button
Have a successful job
Get my degree
Make up my own signature cocktail
I want to travel
I want to be the center of someone's world

Okay, oddly enough this list is depressing me. I can hardly think of things that I want to do. Plus, he's texting me and that is extremely distracting.

I'm hopeless.


Catching Up... Day 1 Being Alone

Hi Everyone....

It's been a while, and there's so much for me to catch ya'll up on. The long and short of it is... I'm lost.

Since I posted last, my husband went to Afghanistan for 9 months and we separated when he got home last December. Since then, he has found a new girlfriend and they are expecting a baby this coming December. I was dating a guy that started out as a friend of mine a long time ago... but he had just gotten out of a long relationship too and hadn't healed when we started dating, so he decided yesterday that he needs to be single to sort out his feelings and get his life together. And I completely understand... but it still hurts. He made me feel... safe. Protected. Like I wasn't alone. I had someone and I had someone strong... strong enough to take anything that was thrown at him. That was Yesterday.

Today, I'm alone.

My mother brought to my attention that I hate to be alone. Which, I do. Despise it. That was the biggest problem when I was married... The ex Mr. Belle was always gone and it was hard on me. Being lonely is hard on me. Now, I have no choice but to learn how to be alone. To learn how to be me.

I haven't been alone (without a man... husband or boyfriend or something) since I was like 16. That's 11 solid years of boyfriends and a husband. That's almost half my life. I have no clue how to be alone... that's why it terrifies me. I don't feel safe alone. I don't feel secure alone. I don't feel okay alone. All I feel is... panicked.

And heartbroken.

So, I'm taking a trip with my family for a few days down by Atlanta. We're going to pick up my great Aunt. The women in my family are strong and brave and smart and maybe some of that will rub off on me. They've always been able to heal me before, maybe they can help me start the healing process again. Because, Ya'll, I feel broken. Horribly, Horribly broken. My heart, my soul, my spirit. Between my failed marriage and my failed relationship and my trouble with work and school and my truck being broken down (more on all of that later... I'm just getting started)... I just don't know where to even begin to fix this mess that is my life.

I guess I should start by getting up and brushing my teeth. They'll be here in an hour and I need to be ready.