I still didn't sleep worth a flip.
I'm not even sure what to write about today. I know that I need to write because there is so much going on in my head that I can't seem to sort it all out... but I don't know what to write about. I don't know how much time I'll have to devote to this particular post because I'm waiting on my Grandmother to get back from my Louisiana relatives' room and let us know what's going on today. So I hate to delve into a deep topic only to have it interrupted half way through.
Maybe I need to sort out why I'm so addicted to... no names... so we'll call him 'The Hulk'. Why does he have such a hold on me.
For starters, and this is a biggy, the sex is amazing. Literally. Granted, the list of people I've been with is limited to... well... two, but still. We connect so well when we are intimate. I'll spare Ya'll the details but... It's literally amazing.
Secondly, he makes me feel safe. He has very high protective instinct and I know that I'm safe when I'm with him. No one can hurt me and I've always got back up. I know that anyone or anything dangerous that's after me, has to come through 6 foot of muscle and determination and I know that he'd do anything to make sure nothing happened to me. I feel so safe with him. That's a big deal for me. A very big deal.
Thirdly, I'm very attracted to him. Like takes my breath away attracted. I'm talking butterflies in the stomach, stare at him and drool a little attracted. That's new.
Fourth, We have a lot of passion- whether we are fighting (my least favorite part) or making love (my favorite part), we do it with passion. We burn hot. Like fire and gasoline.
Fifth, he's challenging. Sometimes I wish he was a little less challenging, but whatever.
Sixth, he doesn't leave me alone. A few hours here and there, yeah sure but I don't have to worry about him leaving me for almost a year at a time to deal with everything alone. He's here. With me. A solid presence in my life and I don't have to keep watching him walk away never knowing if he'd make it back to me in one piece or not. Every time the ex Mr. Bell left, it broke my heart. Over and Over and Over. Don't get me wrong, I was proud of him and what he did... but I worried and it hurt me every single time. The feeling of being married but alone, sucks. To be married but lonely, is awful. The Hulk is here and for a little while, I wasn't lonely. I can't tell you what a comfort that is.. and how much better having him with me has made in my life. How much better his strength and comfort makes me feel.
To be fair (and I'm all about that) Let's look at a few of the not so great tickets.
Well... let's start with the fact that he is emotionally unavailable, since that's why I find myself sitting here single to begin with. He and his ex were together for as long as me and the ex Mr. Belle were and he isn't healed from the break up and he isn't healed from all of the hell that was in that relationship. I tried to help him get better, but I guess being with me ended up making it worse. He can't love me like I need him to while he's still hung up on his past. That, ladies and gents, is our biggest problem.
Our second biggest problem is his temper. He has a bad temper and when he gets fired up, it's a struggle for him to control it. Usually, he handles his temper by saying God Awful things that he doesn't mean... but that hurt me none the less. It's gotten better since we've been together... and he's told me before that he feels less angry now than he used to. I'm hoping that it will continue to get better... whether we get better or not, I'm hoping HE will continue to get better.
Third, he's younger than me so we're at two different spots in life... kind of. We're almost at the same place, but not quite. Example, he's at the point in his life when he will get up and go to work and work his tail off even when he would rather go do something fun or stay home and sleep, but he's not happy about it and it bothers him that he can't go out and do whatever he wants to do to validate his 'party side'. But he's getting there... he's changed so much since we got together and he's gotten so much better that it's amazing.
Fourth, we have a lot of external factors working against us. Lack of funding, broken vehicles, family drama, friend drama, and his past lurking around in the shadows don't help. When we can be together and just be us without the whole world pressing in, it's great.
Fifth, he's not particularly romantic. I wish he was, but for the most part he maxed out his romantic side on his previous relationship and I guess he doesn't see the point anymore. Meanwhile, I need it.
But ya'll... even with all the negative stuff, the positives out weigh it. Yes we fight. Yes his past is always chasing him around and sometimes wedges itself in between us. And I know he isn't always romantic when I desperately need him to be... but when he is, it's amazing. When he holds my hand, I can barely breathe with the butterflies. When I'm crying and he actually comforts me and holds me and tells me it will be okay, it sets my whole world right. When he strokes my face or gives me a sweet kiss or when I catch him looking at me like he can't see anyone else or when I touch his face and he snuggles against my hand... I melt. My heart stops. And it makes everything else seem unimportant.
And I love being there for him. I love how we offset each other... when I'm weak, he's strong. When he needs support, I'm there and I'm all over it. I wake him up foar work. I scratch his back. When his world goes crazy, I'm right there to help center it. I try so hard to be everything he needs when he needs it because sometimes he's everything that I need.
I can't explain it, but I'm tied to him. There's something there that I don't understand and it binds me to him... even though I shouldn't be. He doesn't want me... can't love me the way he should. The fact that a memory came in between us should be enough to infuriate me. I should have no problem walking away.
That's the crazy part... I can't. I can't just walk away. It's pitiful and ridiculous. I've never been weak and yet, here I am. Weak. Pitiful. I can't even remember who I am because I'm so wrapped up in a man and I can't get him out of my mind. For the past months, I've relied on his strength and now I don't have any of my own.
It's like an addiction. Like being on a drug. I know exactly how an addict feels, except when an addict wants to partake in their addiction, the addiction never turns them down. I'm not quite that lucky.
I don't know where we'll be when I get back from Georgia in a few days. Part of me so badly wants to see him... but I don't know if he'll want to see me. I want to fall right back into his arms (and into his bed, don't judge me) but I don't know how he feels and I don't want to wreak any more hell on our hearts if it wont help us. I don't want to run to him if it's going to set him back on this healing process that he's trying to accomplish by being single and I don't want to get my hopes up and open up to him again if I'm going to get turned away or hurt again...
But ya'll, I want him. Still. I miss him... so much. I hope he misses me... but that's not really his style. Sheesh, I sound like a lovesick teenager and it makes me want to roll my eyes at myself. I just don't know what in the hell to do... or think... or feel.
That's the worst part of being lost... is the not knowing.
**Edited to add: Sorry for the conflicting tenses... In my mind/heart, we still aren't a 'past tense' thing, even though facebook says otherwise. I also want to apologize for the scatteredness of my post... it's hard to get my thoughts in a line right now.
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