RIP Alaska

Yesterday was a horrible day.  Long story short, I had to make a terrible decision... I had to put Alaska down.

I love that little dog. I doted on her every chance I got and she loved me more than anything else in the world. Even if I was in the restroom, she would come lay in the doorway or lay on the rug outside of my bathtub. She loved to be in my presence and I loved having her with me.

I knew her health was failing... but I really hoped that she was just going to pass in her bed peacefully. No such luck. I was petting her when they gave her the shot and the most awful part? She yelped. The vet said that she never felt it and that she just yelped as a way of letting out air but... I saw her face. She looked like she was in pain. I am devastated that her last conscious thought may have been 'Ouch, that hurts!'.

I'm not going to lie... when she yelped, my knees jello-ed right our from under me and all I could do was sob uncontrollably. There is nothing worse. Ever.

I feel like a murderer. I know that she trusted me and I feel like I betrayed her. She didn't look at peace when they came in... she looked confused.

And yes, people have told me that I did the right thing. My vet told me that I did the right thing. My family, my friends... but it is not consoling me.  To me, it doesn't matter how much time, effort and resources I put into her... it was all for nothing if she thought for one second at the end that I didn't love her. If she thought for one second that I had disappointed her or given up on her, then I did not do my job.

I cried all night. Even with sleep medicine, I couldn't sleep. This morning, my eyes were swollen shut. I feel achy. I have wept all day. Every time I see her empty bed, every time I get up to move and I don't hear her following me. Every time I look outside and see that upturned earth over her grave.

I am just... devastated. My heart is broken. I miss my little dog. I want her back. Even after I told the vet that we would go through with it, I immediately wanted to take it back. I wanted it to not be happening. I was in shock when I signed the paper... I couldn't believe that I was about to do this to my little dog.

She loved me so much and I put her to sleep. People can say it was mercy, or unselfishness, or whatever... at the end of the day, she's still gone and I still ache for her.

I just... can't even write anymore. I can't see the screen because I'm crying so hard.